METRO Park & Ride Is Nuts

[Doug Gober]

Here is a humorous essay I wrote recently for my previous company's newsletter about my experiences with riding the Metro Park and Ride service from Katy to dt Houston. I wrote this mainly for mental therapy as a new rider to get out all of my frustrations from that daily ritual. I'm not a professional writer it was just for fun. Hope you enjoy it.

http://doug.gober.googlepages.com/parkandrideandnuts

[kylejack]

You feel superior to:

1. A guy who runs to catch the bus

2. People who are looking for a seat when you already have one up front

3. People who can't find a seat and have to deboard

4. Homeless people

And you make a point of being obnoxious and annoying when someone commits the horrible offense of putting their bag on the seat next to them. You are one of the worst bus riders I've ever read about or encountered.

PS the button behind Wortham is green now.

[Highway6]

I enjoyed the read.

[Doug Gober]

You feel superior to:

1. A guy who runs to catch the bus

2. People who are looking for a seat when you already have one up front

3. People who can't find a seat and have to deboard

4. Homeless people

And you make a point of being obnoxious and annoying when someone commits the horrible offense of putting their bag on the seat next to them. You are one of the worst bus riders I've ever read about or encountered.

PS the button behind Wortham is green now.

Wow lighten up. It's obvious you didn't read the entire essay or have good reading comprehension and a sense of humor.

[Doug Gober]

Apologies. I had to take down my essay due to completely unrelated to HAIF reasons.

This topic can be removed if desired.

[LTAWACS]

Could you please email it to me? Thanks.

[sevfiv]

Can you share why it was taken down? You can always host it here, too!

[kylejack]

Sorry to hear you had trouble with your hosting, Doug. Anyway, here is the essay, for reference.

Who knew riding the bus to work would be so entertaining? Not me. When you cram more than a hundred strangers together who are all uptight and paranoid about being in each others personal spaces, hilarity will ensue.

One of the adjustments in my daily life that I made when I began working at the EP building in downtown Houston last year was that I had to start riding the Metro park and ride bus from Katy every day. Although it adds a lot to my commute, it’s not an altogether unpleasant way to get to work. I spend the whole trip watching iPod videos and movies and I find myself less stressed out from not rushing and driving in traffic in the morning. Plus, as you will see, there is even a bit of free entertainment provided by the other passengers also.

I know many people have done this for years and years and think nothing of it. But for me, not ever having ridden any sort of public transportation before on a daily basis, this was a whole new experience and I admit it took me a couple of days to figure it out. I did a little preparation and research on riding the bus before my first day to avoid looking like a rookie.

What I was NOT prepared for, however, was the fascinating drama of human interaction and behaviors on display in the little bus-sized theatre twice a day, five days a week. I’ve always been a people watcher and I’ve discovered that those ordinary buses that I never paid any attention to in the past are in reality seething hotbeds of drama and wrought with power plays, passive aggressiveness, turf battles, paranoia and sometimes panic. Not so much by me, but by others.

If you have never had the pleasure of a trip then let me try to describe it for you. I have been making a collection of mental notes and observations.

Most everyone is half asleep and irritable each morning at the park and ride. This can make for some good early morning entertainment. At the bus shelter, everyone gathers and dutifully forms a single file line. For some reason, saying “good morning” or smiling or acknowledging anyone as you walk past them to get in line is an alien concept and will result in blank stares and suspicious looks. Most will quickly try to avoid any eye contact and look away. This is somewhat understandable because who really is bright and chipper in the morning? Those people are some of the most despised people on earth.

While standing in line, if you’re lucky, you can watch the guy that frantically and worriedly runs from across the parking lot towards the bus even though there is a long line of folks obviously still in line. He’ll keep running right up until he gets to the shelter and suddenly realizes that he didn’t need to run after all. He then tries to stop short and nonchalantly walk up. This is in the hopes that no one will notice and is followed by the “I MEANT to do that” look. There is almost no possible way to recover from this and be cool. I always notice this guy and subsequently feel better about myself for not being him.

Boarding goes smoothly and orderly until someone wants to pay with cash and not the debit bus card. This will bring everything to a screeching halt and a chorus of frustrated sighs will be heard cascading back down the line. Hands will be thrown in the air in disgust and dozens of eyes will roll in frustration at the perpetrator. The poor soul who doesn’t realize that their debit card is empty and crashes the boarding line will be dealt with severely. He will be snatched from the line, hoisted up and passed out the bus door like a crowd surfer at a 90’s grunge concert. It’s amazing how a crowd of seemingly docile and passive office workers can suddenly ignite and turn into a Lord of the Flies style mob.

Once aboard, you round the top steps and begin looking down the aisle for a seat. If you are getting on an empty bus you can take your pick and then feel superior to those that come behind you as they vie for the scraps. If not, you will be met with cold, icy, squinty-eyed stares and other challenging looks from passengers already seated. They are attempting to intimidate you into passing them by so they can sit by themselves. This is never effective and always lame. You will notice others trying to casually take up two seats. They sit in the aisle seat and look up at the ceiling and whistle to themselves while pretending not to notice you. They will place their bag or purse on the empty seat to ward off others. This passive aggressive maneuver has the opposite effect on me. I will instantly choose their empty seat and be as disruptive and annoying as possible as I go to sit down. They then will put on a big show of how they have to now stand up and block the aisle just to let me in. As if to show that THEY are being imposed upon. These are the same kind of people that swing in and steal your spot at the parking lot. My goal is to teach them a valuable lesson about social interaction and make them realize the errors of their ways when it comes to trying to inconvenience me

The last row is the row of doom and must be avoided at all costs. The seats do not recline, have no arm rests, are five across and you could be trapped and unable to move for the entire trip. Murphy’s Law states that any and all homeless guys, cell phone blabbers, or deodorant-free riders will be stationed on the back row when you are stuck there. Usually, if I see it working out that I am about to be left with a seat in the back row I will turn around and bail. I won’t even stand. It’s that horrible. I have been trapped in the back a couple of times against my will and came out the other end squished up like the hobo guy that kicked his hat down the sidewalk in the classic 80’s movie Popeye.

If you are on the right hand side of the bus near the front, you may enjoy watching the last person up the steps realize there are no more empty seats. They will make a split second decision whether to stay on board and stand for the trip, or acknowledge defeat and get off. Everyone always decides to get off. This is called the “Walk of Rejection”. The loser has to turn around with a lowered head and a crushed facial exp​ression and walk back down out of the bus. They then have to rejoin their fellow left-behinds in line while you quietly laugh under your breath at how superior you are and how miserable they look as you drive away. The same thing happens in the afternoon also and It’s even more entertaining because people are surly, impatient and anxious to get home. Let me tell you, I have been the victim of the “Walk” a couple of times already and it’s not cool.

Rarely will anyone ride standing room only in the morning. Sometimes in the afternoon someone will get caught and decide to just go with it. They then have to decide where they are going to stand because they will have their armpits in two people’s faces for thirty minutes. These standers instantly develop a huge martyr complex about themselves. As you watch, they will get progressively bitter the longer they stand. And back at the park and ride they storm down the aisle pushing and shoving anyone who might be trying to get up. They feel they are entitled to get off first no matter who is in the way. No one feels the slightest bit of empathy for them because no one made them decide to stay and stand. If a lady gets on that looks as if she might decide to stand everyone pretends not to notice her because they don’t want to give up their seat. Now, I was brought up to do things like give up my seat for a lady. But MY personal policy for seat relinquishing on the bus is 1: very pregnant women and 2: little old ladies. Neither of which ride my bus.

You can tell a lot about a person just by watching him or her pick a seat. As you watch them coming down the aisle, you can see their eyes darting back and forth, scanning potential seat mates and quickly trying to determine who they are socially comfortable with enough to sit by. These decisions are all made quickly and purely on outward appearances. Obviously, you don’t really have the time to interview everyone to make an informed decision. For some incomprehensible reason, most women pass me by.

Most folks are friendly enough and just want to keep to themselves on the bus. But not everyone is nice.

One afternoon, there was one last empty seat on my bus. This last seat was next to a rather unusually large gentleman which therefore rendered it unusable to another passenger for all practical purposes. A semi-sophisticated, Blackberry- clenching, rolling briefcase-dragging, snooty business-type woman poked her head in the door looking for a seat. The driver asked the crowd how many seats were left. Someone replied sheepishly: “one”. The woman happily bounded up the steps and down the aisle all the while talking loudly on her phone so as to let everyone know how important she thought she was. When she made it to the empty seat, she stopped in her tracks as she suddenly realized the situation with the empty seat and the man. There was an obvious look of horror on her face which I and everyone else who was watching, as well as the now uncomfortable and embarrassed man surely noticed. After what seemed like an hour of frozen awkwardness, she turned on her heel and made her way towards the door as the bus began to pull away. She made the driver stop to let her out. From where I was sitting, I noticed the man lower his head a bit dejectedly. Sometimes the drama is not always amusing.

Another morning I had just gotten on and settled in to a good window seat. I was already watching a movie, not paying attention and having a rare, semi-pleasant start to my day. All of a sudden, I was violently body checked from the side and slammed into the window. My face was pressed flat against the glass. I looked up to find a fairly hefty woman with a half dozen tote bags bulldozing herself down in the seat next to me. She offered not even the slightest “oh, excuse me”, “pardon me”, “so sorry” or anything. After realizing what had just happened and instantly becoming very incensed at her rudeness I looked over at her and said “excuse ME” in a very sarcastic loud voice hoping to embarrass her into apologizing. But she was looking straight ahead and blatantly ignoring me while she fidgeted and adjusted herself into the seat. I spent the entire trip turning to look at her and projecting evil thoughts in her direction.

Once everyone is on board and the bus takes off then comes the settling in. I usually take a few recon looks around to pick out potential trouble makers and make plans for dealing with any sort of spontaneous uprisings that may occur. So far nothing has happened to warrant any action on my part but I am ready. I assume everyone knows I’m looking out. All manner of personal consumer electronic devices are quickly produced and fired up. This creates a soft blue glow from the screen all around which can be quite lovely in the dark of the early morning. Most everyone is listening to some sort of mp3 player or playing with their cell phone. I am always curious as to what other people are listening to. There is one older guy I see frequently who carries an old-school cassette Walkman. I always admire his rebelliousness. I’m usually the only one not staring down and thumb-cocking a Blackberry.

In the darker winter mornings, the driver will usually turn off the cabin lights as you pull out of the park and ride. Some folks will crash out and enjoy a nap while others read. Some folks sleep right up until the bus makes its first stop downtown. I have heard of people that never woke up and rode the bus back out to the park and ride. I usually can’t sleep on a bus so I watch videos or listen to music. There must be a lot of adults that are secretly afraid of the dark because a half-second after the lights go out dozens of arms raise up in an almost perfectly synchronized movement to hit the overhead light switch. That is not really funny by itself. What’s funny is even when its bright and sunny out in the morning they still do this. Habit I guess. This is followed directly by the fine adjustments. Even though it is incapable of moving no more than an eighth of an inch in any direction, everyone must adjust and aim the light to their lap anyway so as not to let their neighbor receive any light that does not belong to them. I always look up as soon as the lights go out so I can enjoy this quick scene because I know no one realizes that everyone else is doing the same thing at the same time.

Lots of people are really uptight in the bus. Granted, I don’t care to have strangers bumping into me either but I try to make accommodations for the situation. I figure we are all stuck together so we might as well get along and make it as pleasant as possible. That’s what makes me one of the better and superior passengers. Or that’s what I like to think. Sometimes it can be very irritating that people can’t be as easy going as I am. Any little elbow bump or slightest graze will cause a lot of people to recoil in disgust and shift away from you in their seat. It somehow gives them a false sense of security that I am far enough away that I won’t be able to reach over and attack them. Others are paranoid about their Blackberries and will twist and contort away from you to keep you from seeing their emails. Little do they know I could care less. One woman next to me was so uptight about being touched she constantly kept shifting away from me every time she felt the slightest minute brush. When I casually looked out the window in her direction she practically came unglued and tried to climb out of the overhead escape hatch. I said “Lady, if you try to scoot over any more you are going to be hanging out of the window”.

I’m not sure about other Metro park and ride routes, but since the dawn of human civilization, even BEFORE buses were invented, the Metro Kingsland Park and Ride Line 221 heads into downtown Houston on Smith Street in the morning and stops at EVERY SINGLE designated stop. This does NOT change. There are NO deviations. So, why is it that half the people on my bus every morning like clockwork start pounding on the red stop button in panic as soon as we make the first turn into downtown? They KNOW the bus is going to stop. They KNOW it’s going to stop every time every day. Do they think this will be the one day that the driver accidentally forgets to stop? I guess so because it never fails and it’s really funny. It’s a visible phenomenon. People start glancing around worriedly at each other with looks of terror in their eyes. They sit up and fidget nervously in their seats while gripping the seatbacks. I HAVE to assume that they truly believe they are the ONLY ones that need to get off at their stop and the driver is not going to stop for them and they will become stranded on the bus and be forced to ride it all the way back to the Metro barn where they will surely DIE of starvation and thirst, lonely and forgotten. I can’t figure out why so many professional looking downtown office workers can’t grasp the fact that almost everyone on their bus is going to get off at every stop every day. It’s both hilarious and aggravating at the same time.

I think that people just like to press the stop button because it’s red and it makes a cute “ding” sound when you push it. Also a flashy message will pop up on the red LED message board at the front of the bus. I suppose it makes people feel important to notify everyone that they have to get off. Mostly, I think people are just inherently drawn to and compelled to press buttons everywhere they see one. This explains why someone will always come up after you and press the elevator button again even though it is clearly already lit up from when YOU hit the first time. Then they will give you a quick look as if to say you are clearly mentally challenged which is why the elevator has not come yet so they must press it again in order to correct the situation and teach you a lesson. There is a secret art installation on the bridge next to the Wortham Theatre. It’s just a lone red button on the wall. When you press it bubbles come up in the bayou. It’s just there to press and attract people’s curiosity. I think we have this modern compulsion to fine tune and control every aspect of the world around us. That’s why computers and cell phones are so popular because they have lots of buttons and settings to play with. It satisfies our urge to control our objects when we seem to have no control of the real world. Wow that was deep.

In the afternoon it sometimes may take 8 to 10 hours to catch a bus. Luckily for us at EP the bus stop is conveniently located right outside of our building. Everyone lines up next to the fountains and impatiently peers down the street looking like squirming little kids who need to use the restroom. Sometimes, they only come in groups of two or three with several hours between the next bunch. You will lose your place in line but you can always run back in the building for a quick meal or shower while you wait.

There is plenty of entertainment in line at the bus stop as well in the afternoon.

When a bus finally arrives, suddenly its mass confusion. All order and lines break down and pandelerium ensues. Everyone is so anxious to get on that they will break ranks and run down the street towards any bus making the slightest indication it might be stopping. Everyone knows that the driver can't open the doors and let people on until he's at the corner. This does not stop people from beating on the door like the girl in the old Mervynn's department store commercial. Inevitably the driver will wave them off and sit pat in traffic. These premature line busters will have to turn around and head back to the line where everyone with sense stayed behind to wait properly. They come back feigning incredulousness that they were rejected and made to look foolish. The bus then pulls up twenty feet and lets the same people on. This scene is even funnier than the “Walk of Rejection” in the morning because there is a larger audience downtown. I admit to falling victim to this mob mentality at first but after a couple of times of almost being trampled on the street I learned to start hanging back and let others entertain me.

Back at the park and ride, everyone strangely remains seated when the bus comes to a stop and they file out in an orderly fashion. This is another phenomenon. Why can’t people do that on an airplane? Just about everyone says a quick “thank you” to the driver on their way out as they pass by. I go out of my way to offer a louder and friendlier “thank you” to show up the other passengers and show my appreciation for getting us back in one piece.

I don’t plan to ride the bus forever. Right now it’s just the best option to get to work. I can’t continue indefinitely because my mental health would not be able to stand it. There are good days and bad days. Plus, I can’t afford to go to jail for doing whatever I would do after I snapped from riding the bus too far into the future.

But YOU are now probably feeling inspired to park your car at home and begin taking the bus to work like me. That is definitely a respectable endeavor. Not only is it “environmentally friendly” but it helps gets cars off the road, relieves congestion and cuts down on road rage. But I really wish you wouldn't though. I actually want LESS people to ride the bus. Because I want more elbow room and also you people are just NUTS!

[King Owl]

That was really a funny read. Good stuff

I wait for my bus (bus #3, the West Gray route) right there at Milam and Dallas near the El Paso building. My route is just a local bus, not a park and ride, so obviously I don't stand in the long park and ride lines that are there at the bus stop. I get a lot of dirty looks from the park and ride line people because they think I'm going to cut in their line. Always humorous to me.

[Watchful]

Doug - this was a GREAT article...very well done.

I remember one of the first times I rode a Park & Ride - and we reached the end of the line - and I started to get off - then realized the protocol was "one row at a time"...

My daughter and I have a fun habit - when I see people doing DOOFUS things in airports and on board the aircraft, I always text her the hilarious stories.

[Fringe]

LOL. Great read and great observations. 

[samagon]

nice read.

reminds me of the school bus, but with less bubblegum and more blackberry.

[cosmic08]

Did the Park and Ride ONE time, and that was enough for me. The guy sitting next to me was balancing a McDonalds breakfast platter full of pancakes on his knees, then his kness couldn't keep up the balancing act, and pancakes covered in syrup landed in my lap. His response was "oh no, there goes my breakfast!" like I was a fault for his shaky knees. AND, I see this man in the tunnels ALL the time. I think he hates me. Bringing this up makes me mad all over again! Haha

[LTAWACS]

Did the Park and Ride ONE time, and that was enough for me. The guy sitting next to me was balancing a McDonalds breakfast platter full of pancakes on his knees, then his kness couldn't keep up the balancing act, and pancakes covered in syrup landed in my lap. His response was "oh no, there goes my breakfast!" like I was a fault for his shaky knees. AND, I see this man in the tunnels ALL the time. I think he hates me. Bringing this up makes me mad all over again! Haha

Where they at least tasty?

[cosmic08]

Where they at least tasty?

Hehe...well, I'm sure I at least smelled tasty! Getting syrup out of slacks is a pain in the ace.

[Doug Gober]

Thanks for all the kind words about the article. The link is busted bc I was trying to fix something on the stupid Google Pages where I had it posted and I messed something up and it turned into a convoluted mess so I just ditched the whole thing bc I didn't feel like screwing with it any more!

[UpperWestEnder]

Mr. Gober,

Hilarious first person writing. Very good. I have to say it must be something about the suburban experience at work here. I took the bus to work every day when I was working in D.C. I never saw any of that. And yeah, I had to stand most days. My worst memories were from the hot, humid days when it would rain. A bus full of sweaty soaked people, ah, now that was refreshing! And in D.C. the work culture is more conservative. We men would all be in our wool suits for work and wool has, how shall I describe this? an interesting odor when it's wet.

I can't find any fault in Metro's set up. Most middle-class suburbanites outside of NJ/NY and D.C. just aren't familiar with using public transportation. Common courtesy and more familiarity with bus procedures are the only things that would mitigate the behavior you observe.

Thanks again!