Hunter Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Texas ChiliIf you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there may be no hope for you.NOTE: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome in Houston. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank. Who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.The original person called in sick at the last moment and I just happened to be standing there at the judge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pineda Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Maybe I'm just in a silly mood, but this was so DAMN FUNNY that I literally had tears streaming down my face, just thinking of the mental image of poor judge #3! Thanks for a great laugh-out-loud bit of humor, Hunter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowbrow Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thats about the third time I've seen that and it still had me crying. Although I think it has been doctored some. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted March 16, 2005 Author Share Posted March 16, 2005 STRESS and DISEASE.Trust me you will like this.While attending a seminar called "STRESS and DISEASE" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, he gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.When you have had one of those "Take this job and shove it" days, try this, on your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need a rectal thermomete made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors and windows, draw the drapes, and disconnet the phone so that you will be sure that you are not disturbed during your therapy.Change in to comfortable clothing, such as a sweet suit or shorts and a tee shirt, and lie down on your bed or a comfortable couch. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove it from the package, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not fall of and become chipped or broken.Take the written material (instructions) that accompanies the thermometer, and as you read it you will notice in small print near the bottom a statement that says "Every rectal therommeter made by Q-tip is personally tested".Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company". You should feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LTAWACS Posted March 16, 2005 Share Posted March 16, 2005 How about this one:The Shamrock Tower!:rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heights2Bastrop Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 One of the wealthiest men in the world is near death. One by one he calls his three young sons to his bedside to bid each a farewell. His first son is summoned, and the old man asks him, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdude Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 This has been around but just showed up in the inbox again.Who Reads the Paper? 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jt16 Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 A man walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran-wrap. The psychiatrist says... "I can clearly see your nuts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted March 17, 2005 Author Share Posted March 17, 2005 How to Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToolMan Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 Just for St. Patricks Day - My lame pickup line for womenME: You must be IrishGirl: No I'm not...why?ME: Because my penis is Dublin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MidtownCoog Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 There once was a mayor who was so bored as he sat on Smith St., watching the cars drive by. To amuse himself, he took a great breath and sang out: "I will make the traffic lights green, pave the streets smooth as glass, clear you safely from the road if you stall, and take your picture in the process. And then said "you are the fool, and not I". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdude Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 In delayed honor of St Patrick's Day.You got to love the Irish.Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with aloose woman."The priest asks, "Is that you, little TommyShaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?""I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruinher reputation.""Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, soyou may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?""I cannot say.""Was it Patricia Kelly?""I'll never tell.""Was it Liz Shannon?""I'm sorry, but I can't name her.""Was it Cathy Morgan?""My lips are sealed.""Was it Fiona McDonald, then?""Please, Father, I cannot tell you."The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfastlad, TommyShaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, andyou must atone.You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be offwith you now."Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slidesover and whispers,"What'd you get?""Three month's vacation and five good leads." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bachanon Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 an older gentleman sits down on a bench at the mall. a young punk rocker with green, blue, purple and black hair sits down next to him. the older guy can't take his eyes off of the young kid. the teenager, annoyed that grandpa is glaring at him, asks...."never did anything crazy in your life, did ya?". the old guy replies...."i got wasted and boinked a peacock some years back and i was wondering if you were my son?". ba dum pum!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowbrow Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 A linguistics professor was lecturing his class."In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subdude Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Here are the top ten winners in the International Pun Contest: 1) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 3) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8) These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10) And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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