Subdude Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies andmetaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.>Here are last year's winners.........>>1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.>>2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without ClingFree.>>3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because helooked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.>>4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.>>5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.>>6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.>>7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.>>8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity cameas a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.>>9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.>>10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.>>11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.>>12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.>>13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.>>14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.>>15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket ences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.>>16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.>>17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.>>18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.>>19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.>>20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.>>21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.>>22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.>>23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.>>24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.>>25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brijonmang Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 That was some grade A laugh out loud comedy. Thank you for sharing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
escapee Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 It's really hard to pick a favorite, but #11 really tickles me. Can't go wrong with a dog/barf analogy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Montrose1100 Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 (edited) Subdude, those are some of the most hilarious things I have seen in a while, thanks for posting!! * Edited July 18, 2006 by Montrose1100 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highway6 Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 Pretty funny stuff.The kid that wrote number 9 sounds like a Douglas Adams fan."The great ships hung motionless in the air, over every nation on Earth. Motionless they hung, huge, heavy, steady in the sky, a blasphemy against nature. Many people went straight into shock as their minds tried to encompass what they were looking at. The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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