Any Advice

[PapillionWyngs]

My 83 year old Mom just came home from the hospital. This was her third hospital visit this year. She is widowed, I am an only child. I have two children, ages 12 and 14. The 12 year old has been diagnosed with bi-polar, and the 14 year old is a handfull. They are adopted, birth brothers. I remarried in August of 2004, lost my job that same month. I have been working part-time since 2005. We live in Clear Lake. She lives in Park Place. The entire length of ALL hospital stays, I visited daily, I fed her animals in the morning, and my husband fed them at night.

We have been 100% helpful despite the fact that she hates my husband, and she totally has disowned me - cut me out of her will. Our relationship is rocky at best, but she did give me a car for my 50th birthday.

I say all of that to say this - she needs help and cannot live alone. My Dad built the house that she lives in in 1948. She won't go - and I don't know what to do.

My kids go to private school in Clear Lake and all their friends are here. We go to church here. Financially, we are house poor, but other than that - we are happy here.

We could move closer to her because she won't move closer to us.

I am just out of my mind - thought this would help somehow.

I do value the opinons of you all on here.

Any suggestions??

[Gary]

This is a pretty sensitive thing so I'll refrain from offering my advice, but I will say that you are in my prayers.

I dealt with this when my Dad was diagnosed with Pancreatle cancer (is that spelled right), and he required constant care. My thought's we're to give Dad all i could, yet make sure my kids didn't suffer from my absence. It was pretty tough. Unlike you, I had help from my siblings and Mother, plus Dad went pretty quick which meant we didn't have to deal with it to long.

Again my prayers go out to you and your family to make the right decision.

[flipper]

Can you think of one option that you think you would really regret if you didn't do it?

flipper

[PapillionWyngs]

This is a pretty sensitive thing so I'll refrain from offering my advice, but I will say that you are in my prayers.

I dealt with this when my Dad was diagnosed with Pancreatle cancer (is that spelled right), and he required constant care. My thought's we're to give Dad all i could, yet make sure my kids didn't suffer from my absence. It was pretty tough. Unlike you, I had help from my siblings and Mother, plus Dad went pretty quick which meant we didn't have to deal with it to long.

Again my prayers go out to you and your family to make the right decision.

I appreciate that - but I REALLY want advice, that's why I came here. My husband and I can't decide what is right, and its a 15-30 minute drive each way depending on the traffic. My mother isn't a nice person, so that complicates the mix.

So sorry to hear about your father. I've heard that pancreatic cancer is very painful. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well.

Can you think of one option that you think you would really regret if you didn't do it?

flipper

Wow. The only thing I'd regret is if I didn't take care of her at all.

[Gary]

I appreciate that - but I REALLY want advice, that's why I came here. My husband and I can't decide what is right, and its a 15-30 minute drive each way depending on the traffic. My mother isn't a nice person, so that complicates the mix.

So sorry to hear about your father. I've heard that pancreatic cancer is very painful. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well.

I understand, I just don't feel like I can give any. There is the old cliche of "listen to your heart".

[PapillionWyngs]

I understand, I just don't feel like I can give any. There is the old cliche of "listen to your heart".

Yep - trying to do that. It is just so HARD.

I mean if she was a pleasant person - maybe. But, the truth is, she isn't.

[TheNiche]

Any suggestions??

Well from the sounds of things, the fact that your mother isn't very nice hasn't kept you from helping her out thus far. If you continue to help her out, and I have no doubt that you'd be willing to, then you just need to sit down with a notepad and figure out all the places that you and your family need to be during the course of an average week, and then calculate total weekly mileages from different places of residence. Minimize the travel time. On the other hand, assisted living might be worth discussing, but since I don't know the extent of her condition or how frequently she has to make doctors' visits or get intervention from your side, I couldn't (and wouldn't) make a recommendation on that end.

So you've got these two choices: either help her out at home and minimize travel costs or go with assisted living. I can't make that decision for you, though.

[rps324]

My parents went through the issues of what to do with stubborn mothers who refused to leave their homes.

There was some program they had where a person came to their house and did whatever tasks needed to be done and it was paid for by Medicare. It was a real lifesaver. I think it was called some sort of Home Health care and you could get it if the Doctor ordered it. I remember just enough to be dangerous, so let me check and see what I can find out. This might get you out of the daily grind, or twice daily grind, of having to go check on her.

I know with my Grandmothers my parents decided that as long as they were "in their right minds" and made the decision to stay in their homes, they weren't going to make them move.

[Parrothead]

Has she always been unpleasant, or did this start happening around the time she couldn't take care of herself anymore?

[ricco67]

I won't give you any advice, but I'll give you some of my experience:

My parents refused to leave their crappy home.

When my dad died, I moved her, kicking and screaming to another place that is easier for her to manage.

She still bitches and whines, but she's more comfortable and I'm more able to take care of her.

This is a highly condensed story, so take it with a grain of salt.

[Houston1stWordOnTheMoon]

If your mother is ill to the point where she needs constant care, get a letter from her doctor stating her condition and present that to a home health care agency. The care will not be 24 hours but it can be provided daily if need be to aleviate some of the strain on you and your family and she will be able to stay in her home. It can be anywhere from 4 to 10 hours a day. Hope that helps.

Edited November 19, 2006 by Houston1stWordOnTheMoon

[wendyps]

I agree, none of us can tell you what to do cause we aren't in your shoes.

However, I would suggest a little research on the assisted living situation. IIf you go, take a look around, visit with the residents and see if they are happy/well adjusted...if you like it there take your Mom for a second visit and have her help with the decision.

Chances are, she realizes she needs some help but doesn't want to loose her independance. That is why these assisted living places are so great. They can come and go as they please, and often have their own apartments. Where they can cook if they like, or eat cafeteria food, etc. She would be living in her own place with her own rules, and possibly supporting herself. Less stress for her than having to maintain a whole house as well.

I take my dog to visit one each month in Sharpstown. but I can't remember the name. There are also little communities that are for retiered persons only...

http://www.houstoncl.com/business/retrecom.htm

http://www.houstoncl.com/business/astlivg.htm

whatever you choose to do, don't make any rash decisions, sleep on everything, don't feel that by taking you and your family into consideration you are doing anything selfish, and good luck to you and your family.

[VicMan]

My mom and her sisters tricked my grandmother into her assisted living home.

The siblings told the grandmother that she would "visit" the suburban Philadelphia facility.

Try tricking your mother.

[PapillionWyngs]

My mom and her sisters tricked my grandmother into her assisted living home.

The siblings told the grandmother that she would "visit" the suburban Philadelphia facility.

Try tricking your mother.

I'm sorry - she might be a witch to me, but that's just MEAN!

[dbigtex56]

Has she always been unpleasant, or did this start happening around the time she couldn't take care of herself anymore?

Ditto on that question. Has her mental health been evaluated? Or was she always a mean person?

If she's suffering from Alzheimer's that would explain a lot. It's an ugly, unpredictable disease. Try expressing your concerns to her physician. I'm not sure how much latitude he or she has in discussing her condition, but it's worth a shot. If she's mentally impaired, there may be legal options.

IMO your obligations are as follows: First, yourself; then your husband; then your children; then your mother's pets; then your mother. (OK, you can switch the last two.) It sounds like your plate is already pretty full. Incidentally, your husband is a saint. Not everyone would allow you to entertain these ideas.

There's an old expression "You reap what you sow." If indeed your mother is just a nasty person, I wouldn't poison my own home with her presence - especially with impressionable children at stake. She's an adult and responsible for her own actions. There's no reason you should be subjected to her contempt, mother or not. Tell her to cut the crap or she's on her own. IMO.

[Pumapayam]

We have been 100% helpful despite the fact that she hates my husband, and she totally has disowned me - cut me out of her will.

She sounds ungrateful.

Looks like you need to have a long talk over some coffee.

[PapillionWyngs]

She sounds ungrateful.

Looks like you need to have a long talk over some coffee.

I couldn't talk to her. She's not like that. She was an active crazy alcoholic from 1943-1992. She also smoked for that long. I had thought that she quit both YEARS before she did - she admitted to the nurses on this last hospital stay that she had quit both in 1992.

She is abusive. Mean. Hateful. Nasty.

AND JUST WHO TOLD ME TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK???

[VicMan]

I'm sorry - she might be a witch to me, but that's just MEAN!

I find that nice; my grandmother was, to put it simply, unable to live on her own. Food given to her by some agencies sat unused in the refrigeratory. She had to be tricked.

The reason why we tricked her is because her dementia made it hard for her to "accept" reality (such as being unable to live on her own), so we have to trick her and go along with her false ideas and her love of her home. Yes, she pined for Florida, and she had some behavioral and physical problems, but she is doing fine now. She "accepts" her scenario because of her dementia.

My mother told me that "If she is able to get back to Florida, we will let her live on her own." Since that never happened...

Edited November 21, 2006 by VicMan

[dbigtex56]

AND JUST WHO TOLD ME TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK???

uh....that was me.

No disrespect intended - I think it's admirable that you take the Fourth (or Fifth, depending) Commandment seriously. The way I understood the option was that you should recognize that you can do only so much, and that your life and your family is every bit as important as your mother's.

Sometimes there's no perfect answer. From what you've told us, I'm of the "You've made your bed, now lie in it" school. Some people just can't be fixed. Whatever you decide, take comfort in the fact that you tried.

[mumbles]

One day we will all be old and not want to leave our houses either. Alone in our homes we may fall down and die cause there is noone there to help, we might leave the stove on and burn ourselves up. Now if we go to a place where someone can keep an eye on us we may live a few years longer, but will we be happy? We are all going to die anyways and I figure if I am unable to take care of myself how much longer I live doesn't much matter. If she doesn't want to leave getting a home care provider to come in and help would be a good way to go. The other thing is that nobody likes change. Some people might find they are happier after the move. Maybe you could get her to agree to try it out for 3 months and if she doesn't like it she can go back home.

My 83 year old Mom just came home from the hospital. This was her third hospital visit this year. She is widowed, I am an only child. I have two children, ages 12 and 14. The 12 year old has been diagnosed with bi-polar, and the 14 year old is a handfull. They are adopted, birth brothers. I remarried in August of 2004, lost my job that same month. I have been working part-time since 2005. We live in Clear Lake. She lives in Park Place. The entire length of ALL hospital stays, I visited daily, I fed her animals in the morning, and my husband fed them at night.

We have been 100% helpful despite the fact that she hates my husband, and she totally has disowned me - cut me out of her will. Our relationship is rocky at best, but she did give me a car for my 50th birthday.

I say all of that to say this - she needs help and cannot live alone. My Dad built the house that she lives in in 1948. She won't go - and I don't know what to do.

My kids go to private school in Clear Lake and all their friends are here. We go to church here. Financially, we are house poor, but other than that - we are happy here.

We could move closer to her because she won't move closer to us.

I am just out of my mind - thought this would help somehow.

I do value the opinons of you all on here.

Any suggestions??

[PapillionWyngs]

One day we will all be old and not want to leave our houses either. Alone in our homes we may fall down and die cause there is noone there to help, we might leave the stove on and burn ourselves up. Now if we go to a place where someone can keep an eye on us we may live a few years longer, but will we be happy? We are all going to die anyways and I figure if I am unable to take care of myself how much longer I live doesn't much matter. If she doesn't want to leave getting a home care provider to come in and help would be a good way to go. The other thing is that nobody likes change. Some people might find they are happier after the move. Maybe you could get her to agree to try it out for 3 months and if she doesn't like it she can go back home.

Thanks for the thought. Things have really changed now. She is on the warpath, threatening, hateful. Ruined Christmas and New Year's Day. Her doctor and nurses say that she is fine - no mental or physical problems causing this - just hatefulness. Man.

[stolitx]

Thanks for the thought. Things have really changed now. She is on the warpath, threatening, hateful. Ruined Christmas and New Year's Day. Her doctor and nurses say that she is fine - no mental or physical problems causing this - just hatefulness. Man.

At some point you and your family's well being has to come first. It sounds like having a home care person come in regularly is a good option if she won't move into a facility. You might want to talk to people at your church. Maybe they know of church based programs in the Park Place area that could help with volunteers checking in on her and watching the dogs when she is in the hospital. Anything to alleviate your daily stress.

Since you wanted advice I will say this, it doesn't sound like uprooting your family is the right thing to do. Particularly for someone who it doesn't appear would appreciate the sacrifice.

Mostly I'm sorry you had to grow up with an alcoholic mother.

[PapillionWyngs]

At some point you and your family's well being has to come first. It sounds like having a home care person come in regularly is a good option if she won't move into a facility. You might want to talk to people at your church. Maybe they know of church based programs in the Park Place area that could help with volunteers checking in on her and watching the dogs when she is in the hospital. Anything to alleviate your daily stress.

Since you wanted advice I will say this, it doesn't sound like uprooting your family is the right thing to do. Particularly for someone who it doesn't appear would appreciate the sacrifice.

Mostly I'm sorry you had to grow up with an alcoholic mother.

Thanks. I'm sorry I had to grow up with an alcoholic mother too.

My children won't have that problem - their birth mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Thanks again

[dbigtex56]

Thanks for the thought. Things have really changed now. She is on the warpath, threatening, hateful. Ruined Christmas and New Year's Day. Her doctor and nurses say that she is fine - no mental or physical problems causing this - just hatefulness. Man.

I'm so sorry that things haven't improved. You have my sympathy.

In an earlier post you mentioned that your mother was (is) an alcoholic. Whether she has stopped drinking is irrelevant - she still thinks and acts like a drunk, from your description. You shouldn't have to bear this alone.

Have you considered attending an Al-Anon meeting? Some people find the support offered there comforting and helpful - and empowering. The emphasis on serenity, courage and wisdom is applicable to many of life's problems; this is especially true when an alcoholic is the source.

Or, you could just call Tony Soprano and have her whacked.

[Pumapayam]

Thanks for the thought. Things have really changed now. She is on the warpath, threatening, hateful. Ruined Christmas and New Year's Day. Her doctor and nurses say that she is fine - no mental or physical problems causing this - just hatefulness. Man.

Don't give her access to kittens, she'll only step on them!