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Texas Chili

If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there may be no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome in Houston. These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank. Who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I just happened to be standing there at the judge

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Trust me you will like this.

While attending a seminar called "STRESS and DISEASE" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, he gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those "Take this job and shove it" days, try this, on your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need a rectal thermomete made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors and windows, draw the drapes, and disconnet the phone so that you will be sure that you are not disturbed during your therapy.

Change in to comfortable clothing, such as a sweet suit or shorts and a tee shirt, and lie down on your bed or a comfortable couch. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove it from the package, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not fall of and become chipped or broken.

Take the written material (instructions) that accompanies the thermometer, and as you read it you will notice in small print near the bottom a statement that says "Every rectal therommeter made by Q-tip is personally tested".

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company".

You should feel better soon.

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This has been around but just showed up in the inbox again.

Who Reads the Paper?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

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There once was a mayor who was so bored as he sat on Smith St., watching the cars drive by.

To amuse himself, he took a great breath and sang out:

"I will make the traffic lights green, pave the streets smooth as glass, clear you safely from the road if you stall, and take your picture in the process.

And then said "you are the fool, and not I".

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In delayed honor of St Patrick's Day.

You got to love the Irish.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a

loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy

Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin

her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so

you may as well

tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast

lad, Tommy

Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and

you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off

with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides

over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

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an older gentleman sits down on a bench at the mall. a young punk rocker with green, blue, purple and black hair sits down next to him. the older guy can't take his eyes off of the young kid. the teenager, annoyed that grandpa is glaring at him, asks...."never did anything crazy in your life, did ya?". the old guy replies...."i got wasted and boinked a peacock some years back and i was wondering if you were my son?". ba dum pum!!!!! ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

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  • 3 weeks later...

Here are the top ten winners in the International Pun Contest:

1) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead

raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir,

only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns

to the other and says, "Dam!"

3) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they

lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my

electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm


5) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused

Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about

an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to


"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other

goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan

sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the

picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8) These friars were behind on their belfry payments,

so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone

liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across

town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to

close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to

close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh

MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"

them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,

saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did


thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most

of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his

feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with

his odd

diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused

fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10) And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to


friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them


No pun in ten did?

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